Friday, September 17, 2010

Last night was a good evening with Jack. Amy and I had gone to a Pampered Chef party at Blanche's home and had a great time. We returned home and Jack seemed to be in a good mood, I knew he had been drinking...probably too much already by then. He was talking with Angelita on Skype and the telephone. He handles her like she is a baby bunny....he strokes her so sweetly. He is so understanding of her hangups....she had to live life for 38 years without him and she wants him to be the father she had imagined all the years he was not there for her. He empathizes with her. There I sit at my computer, listening to his side of the conversation, thinking to myself about the 31 years now that he hasn't touched me, had sex with me, or treated me like his wife. That's only 1/10th of the problems we have. How am I to deal with his cruel decision to cut intimacy from our life for all these years without any plausible explanation or apology; and treat Angelita like a little princess about her 38 years that he didn't even say her name. Remember, Barb, the times that phone calls came from Panama, her aunt...and you wouldn't take the phone call...I was left holding the phone telling the woman on the other end of this conversation that I didn't know why he had never made contact with Angela or her mother when he left Panama for the states. Her Aunt was requesting that Jack sign a paper saying that he is her father, which makes her have duel citizenship because she wanted to attend law school in the states. The Aunt asked me if the reason he hadn't contacted them was because he had a family. I told her that was probably the reason, I was his wife, but I didn't know much about his relationship with Angela and Angelita. He didn't sign any papers, even when they sent them to the airport where he worked. He ignored them and threw them away.

Jack spent years being cruel to my daughter Amy, only 6 when we married. He can be cruel to our own daughter, Shanna also. He's been very cruel to me in our marriage. I've been oppressed, suppressed and depressed. It doesn't stop. He has to be in control....big controller!

Barbara, get back to last night. OK...I was still on my pc when Jack and Angelita's conversation ended. He went to the garage to smoke his pipe. I kept wondering why he hadn't come back and realized he had been gone a very long time. I limped into the kitchen and looked through the garage window to see what he was doing in the garage. I was shocked to see him laying flat on the floor, face up. Homer, the cat, was laying against the top of his head. The refrigerator door was standing wide open. He was laying on cat food and the filthy rug on the floor. His cellphone was laying in the catfood. It totally scared me, I thought he was dead or had a heart attack. He must have fallen. He was passed out. I quickly went to him and realized he was passed out. It took me a long time to get a reaction from him. I tried to then help him up...but he wouldn't let me. He kept pushing me away and telling me not to touch him. He was soused. He began to get angry at me the more I tried to help him. He was so drunk, I don't think he knew where he was, kept saying he was ok and to leave him alone.

He finally worked himself to a standing position...kind of. He angrily pushed me away and went through the kitchen door. As he turned into the kitchen toward the dining room, he knocked a copper pan off the wall and staggered to the green chair and fell into it. He wasn't making any sense at all.....really out of his mind drunk. That gets scary. He's either a happy drunk...or a mean drunk. Last night he was a mean drunk. I couldn't persuade him to come to bed, so I left him in the chair and went to bed. My soul yearns for the Lord to intercede.

I read in bed for awhile and finally fell to sleep for a short time. Woke several times because of the pain in my back and legs. Can hardly stand this emotional pain and physical pain. Emotional pain is worse but just like my legs and back, the pain is always there. Dear Jesus, help this family.

Knowing we needed to take our bull mastiff to the animal clinic early this morning, I didn't sleep well until about 6 AM, of the time I'm sleeping I wake suddenly and realized it was a little after eight. I went into the family room to wake Jack in the chair. Finally got him conscious and I asked him how many scoops I needed to put in the basket to make coffee. He thought I was pushing him and said, "OH SHIT, I'll make it!" Then he moved out of the chair grumbling angrily and went to make the coffee. Since my illness and immobility problems, he's had to take over a lot of my jobs....and he's getting sick and tired of doing everything. I try to help. It doesn't work. So, I did make my own breakfast and he went to the bath and bedroom to get ready. When he came out, he was still angry at me for "yelling" at him to try to get him up....and I think he was more angry with himself for his overindulgence....and like a little boy...he takes it out on mama.

Barb, this is getting harder to talk about. You need to go to bed. Amy and I ae going to a Beth Moore Simulcast at Crossroads church tomorrow, an all day event. I'm looking forward to going. God I need some sweet time with you...closer to you. It's hard for me to pray when I feel like this. Please, Jesus, help me find the words to pray before I fall to sleep.

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